How to Set Boundaries Without Therapy-Speak

Mental health is important, and every person should regularly take stock of their status. Unfortunately, the increase in awareness of mental health strategies has also resulted in the overuse (and misuse) of therapy-speak, to the point where it’s almost weaponized. It’s become a sort of intellectualized defense mechanism akin to the "mansplaining" trope. While I do think it’s important for people to advocate for themselves, it’s best to find ways to do that in clear and, more importantly, authentic ways.

Unironically, the way to do this is founded in methods I’ve personally learned in therapy. In short, understanding your own intent is the key to clearly communicating your needs. Communication always requires common ground, and jargon obstructs that goal. It’s unfair to regurgitate what you’ve heard from a therapist or social media because that assumes that the receiving party has the same background knowledge. Really, it’s unfair to ever assume that anyone understands your intent unless it’s been clearly stated in a common vernacular. Communication also involves confirmation of understanding. It’s ok to be asked questions, and it’s ok to communicate that you don’t know the answer if you need to explore the subject more on your own.

The work to understand your intentions happens on your own time; it’s not anyone’s responsibility to bring you to those realizations. There are many methods for this like journaling, therapy, meditation, etc. Invest in those activities with your time to prevent falling into the trap of spewing buzzwords that may or may not have anything to do with you.

A great place to start communicating authentically to set boundaries is through the DEARMAN model. It’s great because it’s completely individualized and helps guide you to understand what you want, why, and in what ways you’re willing (or unwilling) to compromise.

DEARMAN

I used this method recently to request a raise at work. I earned more responsibility and wanted to be prepared to communicate my worth. I didn’t actually end up needing to say much of anything, but I entered the conversation confidently because of the work I did to understand my intentions and expectations. I also used this method when I decided to cut ties with a person in my life. That conversation was less simple but the method helped maintain my focus. Two areas where I needed to set boundaries, work and personal relationships, requiring clear communication and receipt of that information. I’ll illustrate with both examples with ways that I prepared, not necessarily how the conversation actually took place.

Describe

• Work: Since I will be taking on more responsibility and adjusting to a more demanding schedule, I will need a raise.

• Personal: I need to end our relationship because I do not get the same support from you that I expect from the people closest to me in my daily life.

Express

• Work: I feel that I have performed at a high level since I came on board and have progressed quickly in my ability to perform the job. I have gotten consistently excellent feedback from you, coworkers, and clients.

• Personal: I feel that the times I have called on you for support you have disregarded the importance to me. Because of that, I feel that I don’t know how to communicate with you in a way that is honest. That makes me feel like it’s not safe enough to open up to you about things because you’re not willing to engage and support.

Assert

• Work: I need a $5/hr raise, and I will work the schedule that we have established. I need an answer now, I will not wait for a decision.

• Personal: I do not see that value in continuing this relationship and I do not see a path to resolution. I am unwilling to reconcile our differences.

Reinforce

• Work: You have told me how much the clients enjoy working with me. They deserve to have a coach who is compensated properly so they will continue to receive a high level of care, attention, and professionalism. You do not need time to “crunch the numbers”, you own the business and you know whether you can make this happen.

• Personal: When we scheduled a specific time to talk on the phone about some heavy subjects, you were unengaged, driving to an event and didn’t give more than yes or no answers to anything I had to say. I tried to dive deeper but was met with no explanation or insight.

Mindful

• Work: I will not accept a raise less than what I have asked for, it’s more than a fair request based on my performance, new responsibilities, and the market value for my position.

• Personal: I am not asking for an apology nor will I apologize. I am simply letting you know that I do not wish to have further interactions with you and I need you to respect that.

Appear Confident

• Both: Confidence is the only emotion I am bringing to this exchange. I don’t need to be defensive or aggressive. Assertiveness in my intentions is not a defense, it’s the truth.

Negotiate

• Work: We can adjust the hours I am taking on, but I will not accept a lower pay rate for what is being asked of me. I will also remain in my current position without a pay raise and will not take on more tasks if that is the case.

• Personal: I have done enough to try and build this relationship and the best I can ask for is no hard feelings.

My ideas were clean and concise. I didn't have to explain any of the details of these situations for you to understand what I need, totally out of context. The goal is unambiguity. The points in each step were my own authentic thoughts, feelings, and interpretations of the situation. Like I said, I didn’t actually need to assert myself in the work conversation but I was able to dispel my fears by simply understanding my own intentions and the facts supporting my needs.

I hope this example was helpful. You don’t need to dive as deep as I did here, I need this system for my own disordered ways of thinking. As long as you know yourself, remain true to yourself, and stay confident, you can resist the urge to vomit nonsense about your trauma/insecurity/diagnosis/what have you. No one has time to understand your whole story to get you what you need, nor you theirs.